One of the things I don't generally talk about, at least blog-wise is much about our personal life here at Saudafell. We are fairly private people, or used to be anyway, and sharing our family situation is something I generally shy away from on the internet. But, with the farm and our family so intricately connected it's hard not to share something once in a while. From what I've written so far in our blog, most blog readers can infer we have a large family. What is not common knowledge, and what I usually don't share often, is that we got to large-family size fairly quickly - we've only been married for 3 years and have 5 kids, 2 years old and under. We had high order multiples (yes, 4 babies at once) early this year, who are now nearly 6 months old. We have a 2 year old as well who has recently decided that her roll in life is to do everything contrary to what I'd like her to do. And we are beginning to farm. Some people would think we're nuts. Our family, at least some of them, have told us flat out we're crazy for even trying to take on more right now. Some days I honestly think they're right. Why would someone, especially ME (aka Mommy) want to take on a cow, sheep, chickens, dogs and land maintenance to boot? The answer is simple - because we want to. Because it's something to break up the responsibilities of the day. The time it takes to care for the livestock provides a very, very necessary break from baby duties and laundry and dishes. It's cathartic to scrub out a stock tank. It's a fulfilling experience to get fresh, pastured eggs out of a nest everyday. Knowing that our livestock helps to take care of our family provides a small measure of security in a very insecure world. And who wouldn't want a living, non-gasoline using, self fertilizing lawn mower? Honestly, it is pretty awesome.
Lately, both of us have felt like we're being swallowed up by life. Taking care of a toddler alone is a task. Throw in 4 newborns and most people would scoff at the idea that it's even possible to do it all without losing your mind. I can attest that it's possible to do it, and come very close to losing your mind if that's all you do all day, every day. Non-stop. I don't think many people can put themselves in our shoes, but can relate to a point. It's hard to fully comprehend the full scope of what it's like to care for 4 newborns at once. Only a hand-full of people blessed (or cursed...yes, sometimes it feels like a curse) with this many kids all at the same time can fully understand what a struggle it is everyday to just keep your head above water. We have good days. We have bad days. Some days I win a battle, while the kids win the war. I'm at the point now that I need to just pull back from many things that have been in my life for a long time - consistent church activity, some of my strongly held convictions, old routines, and old habits - to fully focus on the 6 most important things in my life: my husband, and baby A, B, C, D & my toddler. I've had so much pent up guilt, resentment and more guilt over what I haven't been able to do, and I finally admitted to myself - I can't do it all. No one can keep up with that pace. No one. If I can care for and nurture 5 kids all day, feed and water livestock, gather eggs and brush a cow down, I call that an accomplishment for the day. What neither one of us can do anymore is live up to outside expectations and pressures. We need to take care of ourselves and our farm. Everything non-essential will be there when we can get to it. Everything else can wait. With all this unrest and busyness in our lives, farming gives us an outlet. It provides something for both of us to do besides babies. Something we can do together, my husband and I. Our land and livestock have a symbiotic, almost spiritual quality to them - we take care of each other, and in turn we both benefit from the arrangement. While I feel like life is kicking me squarely in the head, I never feel overwhelmed when I can get outside to breathe in some fresh air, shovel manure, listen to a rooster crow and talk to the hens. It's almost as though time moves slower. It's an escape from one reality into another, only separated by plywood, plaster, siding and chain link.
No comments:
Post a Comment